President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, spoke on the very subject of forgiveness in an address to the Church given in April 2011. He spoke of a man who had gone through much grief, and seemingly had every right to be angry, but who chose to forgive:
"[A friend of mine] married his sweetheart. They were deeply in love, and soon she was expecting their first child.
The night the baby was born, there were complications. The only doctor was somewhere in the countryside tending to the sick. After many hours of labor, the condition of the mother-to-be became desperate. Finally, the doctor was located. In the emergency, he acted quickly and soon the baby was born, and the crisis, it appeared, was over. But some days later, the young mother died from the very infection that the doctor had been treating at another home that night.
The young man’s world was shattered. As the weeks wore on, his grief festered. He thought of little else, and in his bitterness he became threatening. Today, no doubt, he would have been pressed to file a malpractice suit, as though money would solve anything.
One night a knock came at his door. A little girl said simply, 'Daddy wants you to come over. He wants to talk to you.'
'Daddy' was the stake president. The counsel from that wise leader was simply 'John, leave it alone. Nothing you do about it will bring her back. Anything you do will make it worse. John, leave it alone.'
This had been my friend’s trial. How could he leave it alone? A terrible wrong had been committed. He struggled to get hold of himself and finally determined that he should be obedient and follow the counsel of that wise stake president. He would leave it alone.
He said, 'I was an old man before I understood and could finally see a poor country doctor—overworked, underpaid, run ragged from patient to patient, with little medicine, no hospital, few instruments, struggling to save lives, and succeeding for the most part. He had come in a moment of crisis, when two lives hung in the balance, and had acted without delay. I finally understood!' He said, 'I would have ruined my life and the lives of others.'
Many times he had thanked the Lord on his knees for a wise priesthood leader who counseled simply, 'John, leave it alone.'
There comes a point when we each have to realize that holding a grudge for our neighbor is useless. Worse than useless! We must learn that our anger, however valid it might seem, ultimately stems from an inflated sense of pride. A perceived wrong comes our way, and we strap this burden to our back and carry it with us, to remind us of the gross injustice someone else has perpetrated. This burden stagnates us. We use up our energy on this useless task, and become unable to help others who sorely need us. It is the height of selfishness, centered on the "me, me, me."
The release of a grudge is quite possibly the most liberating feeling in the world. It's like carrying a fifty pound rock on your neck for several miles and then finally dropping it on the side of the road, never to be picked up again. No more energy or strength needs to be spent on its dead weight, and with all your heart and mind, you can focus on other things.
Occasionally, a grudge might be more difficult to put down. We sometimes twist and contort under its weight, trapping ourselves underneath it in a manner that we cannot fix by ourselves. For these times we need help. We need the Lord Jesus Christ, who can lift any burden and heal any wound. With prayer, faith, a desire for change, and a willingness to act, Christ can help us remove the burden and cast it aside.
We can also learn to let go of these burdens before we even pick them up. We will no doubt be given some opportunity to feel hurt, whether the giver intends to hurt us or not. But it is our choice whether or not to be offended. We are under no obligation to pick up the stones that land at our feet, whether they are throne, or accidentally dropped.
Finally, I, like many others, often find myself in the strange position where the person I am having trouble forgiving... is me. For those moments, I find it helpful to remember what Christ Himself said on the matter:
"I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men."
(Doctrine and Covenants 64:10)
I think this applies to the self as well. Guilt is a wonderful, natural feeling that God allows us to feel when we have sinned against His commandments. It is useful when we notice it, and use it to change and improve. But once the repentance process has been completed, it is of no use to keep kicking yourself for the mistake you made. We must learn from the mistake, and remember not to make the same one in the future, but never must we hitch ourselves to the dead weight of such self-torture. It is the Lord's job to judge each person for their deeds at the last day, and to acknowledge the repentance they commit and their efforts to come unto Him. One should do everything he can to clean the fallout of his sins, but he shouldn't make the error of appointing himself as his own jailer.
I know that the Lord is merciful, infinitely forgiving, and infinitely just. When we have done all that is in our power to remedy our shortcomings, and we act with mercy, charity, and love to all mankind, and choose to leave our burden's at the feet of Jesus Christ, we our able to make the trek and come unto the Lord. This I testify in the holy name of Jesus Christ--Amen.
